I have been living on this earth for 22 years 3 months. One thing I realize that is knowing there is only one hardest lesson in life. It is not about learning something new or studying at school, college and university. Learning and studying of things are nothing compared to dealing with people; human being and living creature. It is the hardest life lesson. NO matter where we are. That is what I feel personally.
Born with higher level of selfishness, ego and jealousy, or those things maybe developed throughout the time, I do feel that learn to deal with people is the hardest thing to do. It is easy to say what to and not to do, but when it comes to the application, it is real tough. It requires extra effort than usual. It is always time when these thoughts would come; "sometimes, they just don't understand me!" , "why always me? they are so inconsiderate. can't they just try to be like that?", "maybe I can try to be not so care with them, just do what I wanna do and make me happy!...Yup, this kind of negative and pessimistic thoughts.
There will come a time of giving up, losing hope and not so enjoying life. It is impossible to expecting people to fully understand ourselves, just like me, expecting some people would understand and know me better. I tell you that is 85 percent impossible. Long ago, I have decided to change my behavior and attitude, to change my way in dealing with people and human beings, praying hard for God's guidance and help so that I could be some one better. Things ain't easy. I doubt with my God sometimes. I feel like to give up sometimes and treat things like none of mine and their business. I hate them sometimes and I even hate my self. I don't enjoy my life at certain time and place.I fail most of the time to change and to be someone better. Things are easy said and hardly to do. Things may not done as what it is said and things may not said as what it is done. The imperfection is always there. Whatever I said, I really meant that. I am so sad if people said my action was not tally with my words. If it really happened, I am truly sorry. For real, I wanna change my self to be someone better.
One key word is learn to accept and change. I am reminded of God's saying to love my neighbors just like how I love my self. I tell you, it is the hardest things to do man!!! Sometimes, I pray that if I don't love my neighbors, but please at least, make me not to hate them. Honestly, I have higher level of emotional and jealousy then other normal people. I can't have my self to pretend to be okay when I am not okay. I have a shitty face that can express anything at anytime. Once, I don't feel happy then you will know I am not happy. I talk in quite straight forward way when I don't happy with your or what you do. Some people are sensitive to my expression changes. I don't care sometimes. I can't pretend. I have face born like that, not a smiley face born with...I am easily get emo over things I don't like to do, over things I wanna do when others don't want to do, over things that make me unhappy. Small matters matter lots to me. I care with every little things in my life. I always remind my self to learn to accept people for who they are. I can't deny that I fail most of the time and easily not to forget things that make me unhappy, sad and disappointment. I take note of that and would be more careful in the future how I should behave in the future and what I should and should not say to him/ her. That's so bad. The rapid changes between me and others can be noticed so easily. Some people may know and wonder. Some of it are seasonal and some are not, I guess.
I compare my self to others sometimes. I get jealous when a person is recognized more for what, especially she does and I am not. Ladies are just so narrow minded, I am one of them. Honestly, I am a person who can not really "put other people's egg high up". I know I am not sociable enough compared to others. I have my own way to deal with life. People may or may not like it. They may notice or may not notice about it. I don't care sometimes and am enjoying do things in my way to the best. Sometimes I care and feel sad when people don't see me; human habit to get acceptance and recognitions. I lose and put my focus wrongly. I know that clearly. Ohhh...I just hate my self sometimes. I am too bad man! You won't know me well maybe...Seeing me with a cute face, you won't know that I could be cruel and bad in talking sometimes. I can hurts you deeply. I wonder what people would say about me when I am gone, hahaha...One thing good would be great and more than enough! I am not being pessimistic. That is the truth. I don't deal well with my own sister, my own relationship, my relatives, my friends and even my brothers and sisters in the church. I am sad sometimes that my love has a bad lover compared to other couples at the church. Colleagues, my friends and my family in Christ maybe have to act extra be carefully and attentive when it come to deal with me who is so sensitive sometimes, emo and selfish.
Well, let me know how bad I am!
1. I am selfish
2. I am easily get emotional (sometimes yes sometimes not, depends who and what I deal with)
3. I don't able to really share with people
4. I don't deal with people sincerely (sometimes too)
5. I have a sour plum face with lemon
6. I don't understand other sometimes (expecting people to change at some points and don't try to know them well)
7. My brain is full of negativism
8. I am not being grateful and thankful most of the times (I forgot basically)
9. I complaint about things and people too much
10.I am not good in listening
11....to be cont..
Basically, for me, socialization is now the most important things in life to be changed and improved. I wanna keep this in my prayer as I believe He will change me gradually. I am not sure how long. My God, please strengthen me in this life learning and studying lesson...I don't feel hard to study when I was in school, college and workplace, but it is damn hard for me to deal with people. I never do well.Thank you for people who have been supporting me all the time and keep me in prayers. I make you disappointed sometimes and I don't mean it, really...How much I wish I could be someone who is good, nice and kind just like others.
Father, help my self and please have Your way in me!
Amen...
Amen...
Amen...
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