New Year 2012 for a new chance, a new hope and new opportunity

Tomorrow is a New Year Eve, 31 December 2011. Days passed so fast and I am not really ready for year 2011 to go. Good bye to 2011. Thanks for the good and bad moments. Well, new year is coming, and I just wanna fix and get things right for all year long. Cheers everybody!~

Here I go for my New Year's resolution:

1. Finish my Bible reading

2. Regular prayer (a morning prayer and night devotional)

3. Live gracefully, thankfully and gratefully each day (start with a day, two days, week, weeks, months, amen!)

4. Get enough sleep

5. Sport regularly

6. Learn to sing better and better with my heart (and planning to get a course if it's affordable)

7. Focus in the main purpose when I serve in church ministry (not to get any rewards, return, etc, but to serve and help)

8. Read few book a year at least (3)

9. Be positive and positive (control my temper and thoughts, as well as my actions)

10. Learn to listen 

11. Learn to establish an even better relationship with things and people around me

12. Have one trip at least with my loved ones/ families/ friends (COMPLETED)

13. Do well and take my job seriously and do it even better than years before

14. Establish good sisterhood and friendship with my sister (keep her in prayer always)

15. Continue my study if God wants me to study

Be a better and positive person after in all aspects of my life with people and things around me. It is always one of my new year's resolution, but sad, I am not really improving or maybe I am not all. Year 2011 is not a good breakthrough year for me. It is bad instead. I had quite numbers of worst life moments here. 

See you all my resolutions. See you all in December 2012. I hope I would have myself surprised at the end of the year. :)

Lord, keep leading me and guide me in Your way. Draw me close and closer to You each day through things and people around me. Use me too, in Your way.; to help and to serve people You want me to serve and connect with. Keep my loved ones, my sister, my families, relatives and friends always in Your hand. Strengthen me inside out too Lord! Change me inside out to be someone You want me to be! Please, please have Your way in me Lord! I give all to Your hands! Pray in Jesus glorious Abba Father name. Amen...

Good bye to you 2011!

2011, well...it has been a good-bad year. I have had good and bad moments with my friends, families, colleagues, relatives and my loved ones. Me, myself not have not been good enough for the year. I failed people and even my own self, I make other disappointed and hurt some people in life.

It's hard to say goodbye when you know the year is now coming to an end and you haven't done anything meaningful for people and things around you. Honestly, if it happened people ask me what you have done this year, well..um...I am not so sure what to answer. I try to do best in my job (it's a yes, but I complaint still and few times I didn't put my heart in and just finished for deadline), I serve in my church ministry (yes for sure, in worship team and BB ministry, as well as in youth committee, yet I still complaint about few things and people and I haven't been the one who could really work well and not the real good one, but I try my best), I share, take and give (yes, all in one, I need to do more) and blah blah blah...

This morning, when I drove to work. I remembered about my last new year's resolution. When I try to tick them in my mind, whether I hit or not well, I can't name even one. I don't seems to be improving my attitude and behavior after so many things happened,  I haven't finished reading my bible, I haven't committed my self to pray everyday without a miss, I haven't be positive, thankful or grateful enough. What have I been doing all these year? It was more likely daily routine; I wake up at the morning, I drive to work while listening to music and praying, I arrive at the office,taking my b'fast, listening to music, watching videos, blogging, facebook-ing, surfing internet, do my job in the midst of these things until 5pm or even more if I have too, I go back to my home, go to gym if I am free and not tired, or dating friends/ my loved ones if any, I have my own movie/ I cook my dinner/ I read few pages of books/ magazine, pray and sleep. That is my weekday routines. Really, I can't recall any good things/ meaningful things I have done to people and things around me, except this Christmas for what I have done to two young men . It is a sad things and I would like to start a new resolution next year and hope that I would be surprise my own self at the end of the day. Could I?

I just wanna say thank you to all things and people around me. Whether I failed you, hurt you, make you feel bad, I made you disappointed or anything else that made you sad or angry. I am truly sorry and I would have myself to do even better next year, all day long. I haven't been enough thankful and grateful too in life for people and things around me. Basically, I am more likely to be negative, full of complaints and not good enough. It is really hard for me to say goodbye 2011, but I need to let them go as to have what is awaiting me next year.

Wishing you all a happy, blessed and joyous New Year! Here are some pics I love to share with you!

 ...He gives us so much more than the risen sun, blossoms flowers and the blue sky. It a new hope and new blessings for each everyone of us each morning...I wanna count it and let the joy come over me for every little single things in me.

 

 Remember: Life doesn't have to be perfect for you to be happy. Every little things counts and matters. Get over it and look beyond the imperfection. Be happy Leny, nobody and nobody's life is perfect!

 He know you and me best. He plan and give the best. It may not be the best in the beginning for you, but He will make things work for you through people and things around you. It prospers you!

 Life your life to the fullest! Live each day as it's last day of your life!
“Learn how to live and you'll know how to die; learn how to die, and you'll know how to live.”
  -Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie-

 Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. 

~ Oprah Winfrey ~

 A new day is not on New Year's Eve. It's a new day everyday when you wake up and see the sun rise.

Blessed and joyous new year for you and me!

 Cheers to you and me for year and days to come...!!! =)

 “The secret to happiness...be satisfied and be grateful.”
- Mitch Albom, Have a Little Faith: The Story of a Last Request -

 Learn, change, grow and make difference in days to come...and be surprised at the end of the day!

 The old year has gone. Let the dead past bury its own dead. The new year has taken possession of the clock of time. All hail the duties and possibilities of the coming twelve months! 

~ Edward Payson Powell ~

 All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. 

~ Walt Disney ~

 Years come and go, and numbers never matter! Dream and live!!! Cheers~

 Fight for change, to hold on and to let go! Never give up and keep fighting...

 Letting go doesn't mean you forget or give up on thing or person! It's just another new step to welcome what is ahead of you!

 Especially for you! Set your new year's resolutions and check 'em out next year! You'll be surprised.

 ...The ball is suspended there to remind us before we pop the champagne and celebrate the new year, to stop and reflect on the year that has gone by. To remember both our triumphs and our missteps, our promises made and broken. The times we... opened ourselves up to great adventures or closed ourselves down for fear of getting hurt because that is what new years is all about- getting another chance. A chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more. And stop worrying about what if and start embracing what would be. So when that ball drops at midnight and it will drop, let's remember to be nice to each other, kind to each other. And not just tonight but all year long.

-Claire Morgan at New Year's Eve-

*Psst...those above is more likely I am talking to may self, encouraging and motivating my own self and my own prayer. *

I had a bad day - 27.12.2011

Yesterday, I had a really bad day. Being lack of sleep, made my mood swing the whole day. I was super tired and sleepy. I hoped I could stop the time for awhile and sleep, but it was impossible. My sister and her new family were coming yesterday as well. I picked them up from the airport and we headed for lunch at QB Mall. One thing, I didn't feel comfortable, as maybe I am tired, moody and all. I believe they could see it as well (my bitter and tired face). I feel like dealing with strangers, even with my sister. I arranged few things and plan for them, but it didn't seem to work well. So, I'll just let them do in their way. I could see that her husband didn't like it. Well, I don't know, but we were more likely to be strangers for each other for whole day.

It was first thing and second things was that my conversation with my loved ones most probably led to the conflict. It happened at least three times yesterday, excluded days before. I felt like to give up as I always made him feel bad and mad. I was thinking a break and a stop would help us maybe, but it should not be the way. I am getting worst each day and I feel like to go away from place people know me, to go somewhere far far away where no one know me.

Yesterday's bad day not end yet, I had a minor accident with my car. I am okay, but the car was not okay. I felt so sad. I blamed the guard too, he should be guarding me when I wanna go in to park my car too. I missed the lower pillar on the other side.

It was not the end of the day, my auntie told me again about my sister things and her new family. I felt like, stop telling me all this. I need to know the truth too, but the whole things screwed my mind up. More or less, those bad things influenced me. It was so bad. My sister never told me anything; maybe she knew and hide it, nothing happen for sure or she just knows nothing plainly. I am tired to listen all this. When I feel that, I choose to tell my uncle (from my mom side) to know about it. Rather than sharing with my loved one. It is like adding his burden and mind, also I can guess what he would tell me. I hope I won't be adding the burden to him as well.

I hope things would goes well. I am tired.

26 December 2011

26 December 2011

It was the seven-years anniversary for Tsunami victims in Nanggroe Aceh Darussalam (Banda Aceh). It was also the anniversary for my mum, my dad, my uncle and my brother. Seven years passed, you all will always be missed. I truly believe that we will always be in love forever. I miss you all.

I did nothing special on that day, not even a proper prayer (it was more likely a thought). Instead, I had fun with my loved one, we had singing practice and a boxing day with my friends at night. It was a really tiring day that I almost forget that day was their memorial day. I knew I tried to avoid to any media. I am scared it would be reporting about the Tsunami or what so ever. I don't really like it. 

I miss you all anyway. May you all and all others victims rest in peace.

Merry Christmas!!!

I wish my self, my loved ones, my friends and family a merry Christmas. May this Christmas season bring hope, joy, love and happiness to every one. Be merry and cheers!

"Christmas is not all about the gifts, holidays or shopping. It is more than celebration, singing and dancing all day night. It is again the time for us/ a reminder for you and me of the born Jesus Christ, who came to the earth for you and me. May the born of our King always be reminder for everyone of us that we are loved by Him, in spite of who we are and what we are for others. His unconditional love is far greater beyond what human beings ever known about. No one would ever love us like He does."

 Peace on earth and goodwill towards all men!

 May this Christmas brings you hope, joy, love and happiness! Be bright for days and years to come! =)

 Happy holidays people...! Have fun!!!

 It is that time of the year again, when you are thankful for everything merry and bright. May this Christmas be a delight! Merry merry Christmas!

 Heap on the wood!-the wind is chill;
But let it whistle as it will,
We'll keep our Christmas merry still. - Sir Walter Scott

 Christmas is not all about singing and dancing all night long! It's all about sharing and giving...

 Christmas - that magic blanket that wraps itself about us, that something so intangible that it is like a fragrance. It may weave a spell of nostalgia. Christmas may be a day of feasting, or of prayer, but always it will be a day of remembrance - a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved. - Augusta E. Rundel

Here's wishing you all the joys of the season. Wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas! Cheers~

♥

Christmas is forever, not for just one day,
for loving, sharing, giving, are not to put away
like bells and lights and tinsel, in some box upon a shelf.
The good you do for others is good you do yourself...
~Norman Wesley Brooks, "Let Every Day Be Christmas," 1976

Hello and Good Bye to December!

I just wanna say hello to December! I hope it would be a good month to end the year of 2011.Honestly, I had few bad moments recently; with my loved ones, my sister and my friends. Well, actually I have this piece pending and only today, I continue to write this piece of writing. Not yet I say my hello, good bye is on its way. Few more days are coming and end the year of 2011.


Since November, I have not into writing due to my schedule, my laziness too. I feel bad, I didn't write my life down here for quite a long time. I still remember highlights of my days anyway.

1. November was a quite pack month. I had my holiday in end of October. I had my sister's wedding back in Medan and how things were, well...I wrote it out and hope I could have stopped to write about it. I don't like to write about it actually. I still remember one last time when my auntie visited here, she told me about my sister again that she was changed and after married, she just got herself away from those family ethics (what my family expected us to do as a younger generation; telling them if they will be in outing with who, whom and when) and at the same time, it is awakening fact and truth for me that, they expect us to do that even we get married. She said my sister is being disrespectful and all. I was so sad to hear that from my own uncle's wife. I feel like, what makes my sister is becoming like this/ impressing them with this kind of thought. I never told my sister. I don't want herself to be sad or just stop to add another new burden in her life. I don't like my family told me, please just don't let me know, it is not the thing I like to know. Honestly, I feel like I got to be influenced by those comments, warnings, advices on HOW I look at my sister, her husband and their family and I never want to be like that. Sometimes, I never accept my sister wholly for who and what she is; what she does, how she acts/ talks/ thinks/ behave sometimes. Simple, I seem to be look down at her sometimes. Is this what sister for? Not a sister like me of course. Distant really tears us apart, from a sisterhood to be friends and even strangers.

2. Since my sister getting married, we both are just like away and sometimes I feel that, this thing makes me jealous to see sisters who have a good sisterhood. I always try to text my sister and she never told me anything until I asked. Her answers for all were yes, no, noted and she doesn't know. Maybe I think and expect too much. I know, my way talking to her/ asking her could be irritating enough or due her uncomfortable with me since long time ago. Well sis, just be happy there and live your life. :)

3. I got clash with my good friends during the outings. I knew all were my faults. I spoilt everyone's moods, especially my loved ones. I made him disappointed and sad. I believed others too and it change the way how they look and think of me. It was the consequences and I would be ready for all I guess, more or less, things change. It is hard and very saddening thing for a very simple reason. It was all just I was not happy for all comments and the way some people talk. I had my temper showed that time, I chose not to join any picture taking session with them and kicked my self out from the group.  I can't go back to that time and be good. Well, now I know. It was not I didn't feel guilty. All I could say was it was really one of the worst day in my life. Next time, I would think 100 times if I am going to organize any outing with my friends; would I be able to control my temper all day long and enjoy? Well, from now on, I think I would put things on hold (for an outing).

I am truly sorry for my bad temper. I just hope they won't have anything bad on/ about my loved ones. He is friendly, nice man to talk too and a man who like to have fun with his good friends, I am far from that. I wish he won't change his good things because of me who is not friendly and positive enough; from the way I talk, think and act. I wish I could really have my self changed. Be better and positive of course.

After that day, I know I change and few things changed. It was really plain saddening thing in life.

4. For the first time in my life, I went to concert of Jackie Cheung. It was great concert. Even he was not feeling well, he did his best and it was awesome. Too bad, we did not buy any concert related stuff and it made the fun less a bit. I would be looking forward to see next concert of my favorite singer or great group maybe. Thanks guys, I had fun that night.

5. After all, December came, I could feel my Christmas mood is on and lessen at the middle of it and now, up again again. I don't really involve this year, a bit disappointed, but it was fine, I will be still singing tomorrow for countdown session and am happy. I may not involved in the committee much this year, for that, I feel sorry because it was not me. The greatest part of this Christmas I could feel is the value of sharing. No doubt, I had more money spent this Christmas, but I am happy. Christmas 2011 is all about sharing and giving. Two young men in my cell group in my priority amongst all. The satisfaction was there when I shared and am just happy. Now, I got to really learn and realize, no matter how small or invisible of things we do for people or even in God's ministry, we do it for Him and the person, without thinking or expect how other would see/ think about it, the real satisfaction is there.When you feel hesitate to share, He make us not to. He prepares few things and you are there. Thanks to both young men and my loved one, who always remind me of this things. At least now I know, I have the good side too.

Last but not least for this piece, time flies, things happens and people change. Whether you like or not, life goes on and you have to keep moving. Once told, if you don't like thing, never expect people to change or don't try to change that particular things, but from yourself inside out, control and change what yourself can change and control (your response, your attitudes, your thought and all). It is not deniable that it is easy told but it ain't easy when you come to practice it in life.

“If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men” (Rom. 12:18). 

 Amen.

Bitter Sweet November

November is going to an end and soon, let's say hello December, everyone's favorite month, isn't it?...and I have been in Christmas's mood as soon as I know, December is coming soon!

Back to here, November has been a bitter sweet month for me. If you read my previous posts on what I wrote about my sister, her wedding and my families, this post would be still about it and hope it would be last piece of writing about them. Still, I am trying hard to be as logic as possible, neutral and not to be influenced.

Bitter sweet for me is just to describe how mix up my emotional were in these few months; the ups and downs, bad and good times, tears and laughter, all in one, all emotional that a person ever has. It is more likely to my sister wedding and some personal issue. My sister matters most. I would not write details of what I feel. I would never finish it, if yes, I need to be extra be careful in describing each event clearly and I don't really wish too. It is sins for me at the same time, but one things, I would remember every bit of it of what had been happened these few months.

I went back and stayed with my sister and my family for almost one week. It was sweet and bitter at the same time. I know big family was not really good, unless, your all relationships are really good, you know each other better and you know that everyone is being sincerely to you in every little things they do towards you, whether it is their words, action or thought, but rarely we would find one.

Once again, I am convinced that human is dangerous and you gotta to be careful in what you do or what you say. It is true that every human wear a mask and everyone has their own and guess what, some human may have some masks that are used for different person at different time, place and circumstances.

I hope my sister wedding would come the actual day very soon when I was in my hometown, waiting for the day to come. It was three round weddings; bride's reception, groom's reception and the wedding day. Tiring, but I could say we, or some people might have a good times and moments. Well, I did have. 

All I knew that week were how much I hope the actual day will come and it meant freedom for her, another new journey would begin with her new family and how much I worried how well she would do in her marriage. I felt I loss her and I realized how much things I regret about our sisterhood, how much I wish my parents would be there to witness and to celebrate the special day together with all of us. How much I wish the journey and moment of herself preparing all things would be much lighter with some one really helped her (I wish I could do that), how much I wish she would be happy with her new life in days to come. I had mix up feelings and emotional, I was so happy to see her in the wedding dress. She was so pretty and looked happy, I wish she was really happy. She is the most beautiful bride I have ever seen. She was glowing that night. All the pre-wedding pictures turned out so great and beautiful. I said that not because she is my sister, but that was the fact and I really meant it. She was pretty, lovely and beautiful. My mom and dad would be so happy to see her on those days. 

I was happy and sad on those days and week. These days were not a really good week in my hometown. I was up and down, happy and not happy at the same time. I heard lot of stories and things from my relatives about my sister; complaints, stories to know, my relatives' feeling and all. I was in the middle. I felt it was not only hard time for her but also for me. I was sure she had hard times living and working there. Neither do I, only a week and I felt damn hard. Imagine yourself as a sister of someone's, you heard, you listened and you saw how people reactions, responses, words, thoughts towards your sister and most of them were likely to be their complaints and dislikes. The worst things of all was not only to be the middle person where you heard people's said and acted differently, but it was the moment when you thought, "What I could have done for her to fix all these things, so that things and circumstances would be okay and maybe better for her and other!". That was what I felt. I felt I was useless and I could do nothing to save her from those people, to defend her.

My dad's families told me stories, my mom's families did the same too and my sister too for sure. Those three parties said different things and I was like, "Oh God! Help me out of here and what I should do?". However, I try to convince my self that every one had mistakes, they have their own thoughts and opinions. It is vary from one to another and I try to be as logic as possible, trying to be neutral and believe that God would help me out through people and prayer. I believe He would strengthen me. I had a real bad time anyway, really. All I know is I loss her, she gonna start a new life and all I hope is she would be happy and do well with her new life and family with all of us, especially me to support her.

My sister become who she is now for many reasons. I may be one of the causes, my parent's issue, my big big families of course. Those circumstances has led her to be some one that we all don't really know; how she is, who she is, why she acts the way she is and others. Just like me I guess. I pray for her that God would bring her self and her family back to Him and of course, strengthen us in the journey of life. That week has become a quite bad week for me, but I learned a lot things too.

I may be too harsh towards her before, I was not being supportive enough for her, I maybe over worried that was why I acted in certain ways, I may be forget that my ways and my suggestions would not work well for everyone in the effect I expected, our distance and time to be together was too short as well. I would not describing things in details. I love her and how much I wish she could be happy with her new life, our present family and new family well to the end of the time. I am far away from her, I couldn't watch her often but I would send my prayer and blessing from my heart always to her.

I just worry all these things would eventually affect my life and all. One thing for sure, I learnt that no matter where you are, anytime and anywhere, let things go is a must learn things for human being. It is not easy. Once you commit, you maybe able to let things go. Of course, never expected things would always go in your way and well, it would never happen perfectly and nicely. Also, never expect that what all you do would please everyone. No one would be able to do that. If you could do that, I am sure you are an expert in acting with your masks. It could not be denied, you and me have our own mask and our own ways to act. Life goes on even you like it or not, if we can't change the things now, let's learn to accept the things we can't change. Events in life is on-going learning process. Be sure that everyone would find a way out, even not now. Be good to your self and sometimes life just need you to do something that you don't like to do, it is about give and take. Another about being and having a big big family is a really bitter sweet things we have ever had in life. Believe it or not, you gotta to close one eyes and your ears at some moments in life. Your family is a swords in your life, as well as herbs and spices, they spices up your life, sweetly and bitterly. 

Say Hi to November!

Hello to November ! =)

Time flies and it is November now. Well, welcome November. I am going off for holiday soon, today! Yay!!! I will take off from Kuala Lumpur to Taiwan tomorrow morning with my sweetheart and our good friends. We will go to Kuala Lumpur tonight by bus. I am done with what I should done; my work, BB related stuffs and Junior Camp things temporary. As soon as I come back from Taiwan on November 6, 2011, I would fly again to my hometown on November 7, 2011. Everything would resume and back to normal on November 14, 2011. Two weeks off, it would be great I guess. One more great thing is coming up too is my sister's wedding day. I hope things would turn out good for her especially. I don't care others. It's her and I wish she would enjoy it. I love you sister, love you and love you...

Little Things Mean a Lot

 ...Just you...

 .Free time makes me over thinking and breaks some people and things around me.

 .Be Strong Girl!. 

Few people have complimented me for being strong. Well, I am not strong, I am strengthen, strengthen by Him, people and things around me.

 Sister, go and get your happiness! Days would free you...

My sincere blessings and prayers will always be with you. I love you.

Real one would come soon and I will never let you go. Thanks for being ones.

Highlights of the Last Week of October

QUITE FREE is one two word to describe my week, but I have been quite having some stuffs to prepare for the Boys' Brigade (well, we are going to be a school based Christian uniform body soon, excited and a bit of nervous, I guess we are all in excitement. Thanks and praise the Lord that He opened the door for us and no one can shut the door. May God continues to use us to serve Him through this ministry. A lot of things to discuss about it anyway, I wish I could really work with them as a team; serving God through this). I am preparing some stuffs too for the Church Junior Camp which are almost done. I read quite a few of great articles this weeks and browse numbers of good blogs; fashion, diet, health, general reading, music, wedding, craft, sport and some news too. 

I am now only waiting for the next day for my holiday with my man and friends. Next day, we are heading to Kuala Lumpur and we will fly to Taiwan on October 28, 2011. Excited! :) I am quite pack with my own schedule actually. I will fly back to Medan for my sister's wedding on November 7, 2011 and will only be back on the 14. It is not done yet, Boys' Brigade and Junior Camp meeting are coming up, followed by our preparation for coming Christmas. What a fruitful year end I have! and right now, I am planning to have a good strategy in saving money for future and continuing my study by  next year if I could work things out in the way. Wish me luck readers! :)

Ah ya...I won't be attending the Youth Camp on December (an invitation by Pastor Hok Chiaw) due to my days off. They are not allowing myself to take unpaid leave and guess what, I finished up my leaves and I would only have a new one in April. :( Sad huh, hopefully next year would have enough days off for me. I have nothing much to say and think, except hoping my sister's wedding coming soon and let it free herself! :)

Times when we lost

There are always times in life that we lost. It did not mean you lose one relationship, but lost; lost track of the way or how it should be/ supposed to be.

I am not only losing track of what and how sisterhood is, but also, losing track in understanding what family really means. I doubt their truthfulness. Well, I am trying to be realistic and of course, trying not to be influence what my sister and my mom's siblings said. I know at first how they treat us. Well, I could not deny that my uncle and auntie are the family who are taking care me and my sister since we lost our parents in Tsunami 2004 have taken a great care over us. It is about 7 years for now, but I was with them for 5 years before I went for study and finally stay here at Penang. Honestly, I am thankful that I am not staying with them. I have my freedom and I never enjoy myself staying with them. Me, my self not enjoy much,I believe my sister too, esp when I know both are quite contradicting in personality and characters.

Short story, she was at Taiwan for her study and went back to Medan two years ago if not mistaken. Since then, my sister stay and work with my uncle; being a cashier at his restaurant. Until now, I believe my uncle and other family never look good on us. He maybe still think that we are still so young and may not understand many things. Yes, it's true, but I never see even once time that he and my aunt are wholeheartedly putting trust on me and my sister. One time, I thought maybe he does not care us or try not to interfere us since he knows we do not really like his way. Many kinds of thoughts are in my mind. I have no idea how they are actually. Until my sister is about to getting married, then I know how they treat my sis, not my uncle, his wife, but also my cousin or maybe others. I try not to know all about what they may think or say about me and sis. I know that my uncle never agree that my sister would help him at his restaurant by taking a thought that she was doing nothing for her better life, she does not have any working experience, only training and internship, she is now doing something which is unrelated to her field of study. Same thing happen to my self too that they still blame me at some point that I did not take the scholarship to study with my sister at Taiwan. Honestly, I did not force my self to take it even everyone asking me to do so just because it was free. Besides that, I did not find any field of study that interest me and I did not like Chinese and I ended up here, Penang. I study until Diploma on field that I like, even I am now working in unrelated field. One thing I just wanna do now is trying to get a Degree. I did not want to regret about that in the future. However, my financial was not being supportive now. For others information too, others people thought that I was studying before with my uncle money, well...nope, it was not...It was my dad's insurance money.

One thing I know for real in amongst my family, especially m dad's side is money speaks more most of time , career prospects speaks more, good objects speak more, one word, materialistic speak more most of the times. That is what I take in my life until now that I need to prove to them that myself could make my mom and dad proud of me and my sister. I know who my mum and dad were. They were not born in rich family. Both of them not educated like others. They were not earning money as much as others and I am quite sure that if my mum and dad were here today, they won't expect us to have much money, but at least, have a better life than them. The most important thing is that my sister would have a great days waiting for her big big day if they were here and if I could earning more good money, it would be better. If maybe my parents were here, they would be at least good towards us and at least, my mom was with my sister awaiting her big day there. That was what I want, my family is with me for my sister's big big day.

It is few weeks ahead for her big big day, but it seems to be a long time and long period of waiting. I feel sad, disappointed and wondering what I could do to fix the whole things as it seems not to be right. My sister wedding, honestly, for some people in my family are not a good things. They don't expect it come too fast I guess, especially with our status of being orphanage, marriage is not as easy as it is said and spelled.I bet my sister too, are not in excitement waiting for that. Perhaps, she hopes it comes soon as I do so.

SHE FOUND HER MR. RIGHT

I am happy that finally she found her Mr. Right in Medan; a religious man (that is what I know) that love and care her so much. I only met my sister's husband to be once during my cousin's wedding. I don't really know him and as my sister's sibling, I do not expect my sister to get marry just within one year period time of dating. It is so fast. I worry about her life after marriage and all considering how she is with her character and personality, especially about the man that she finally decided to marry with.  I have no idea how he is. I worry that he actually never understand how my sister is, especially being an orphanage because of unexpected disaster. I bet not many of people around me would know and understand how important the healing over mourn that we have. Well, my mom's sister and family are staying in the same hometown with my sister and accordingly to my aunt and her family, my sister's partner is a good man. My mom's brother said so. Well, I am a bit released, but still, I worry  about her life after the marriage and happiness. Would he love him for who she is and as the whole?

You know what, there was story saying my sister actually 'steal' my cousin's man. Of course, it made me and my mum's siblings hot. My own auntie from my dad side said so to my mom's brother and the truth was actually the man found interest  in my sister rather than in my cousin during their first meeting. Well, my cousin was the one who asked my sister to accompany her to meet the guy. It was said that she asked the man for meeting up. We thought that that was not my sister's fault, it was her fault, you asked her to accompany herself for this kind of dating. You should go by yourself. We don't really mind that for a long time, but I do believe, the effect of her failure actually influence the things which is happening now.

They are in dating soon after they click to each other. I don't know how they are dating, but as what I saw when I met them was that they are a loving couple, but I could not stand it, they are so pampered to each other and like a child, hm..maybe my way not their way, is that the reason? Well, maybe yes, maybe no. :)

I know my sister's life there is not as easy and happy as mine here. I stay alone most of the time, I got my own car and I have a good job (did not need see/ work for my family's member and live under their shadow), like her.Honestly, now, I start not to worry about what they say and think about me. Whether they like it or not, it is none of my business anymore. I will still and must pay respect to you all, but far more than than I could not guarantee that I could please you all with things I wanna do and decide. It is totally different with my sister, she can not do that. She is staying with them. My uncle pays the salary for her which I think it would be never enough actually. I believe after all, she is much more happier now with the man she found, isn't she?

SHE DECIDED TO GETTING MARRIED

It was such as fast decision. If not mistaken, they have not dating for even one year or if yes, one year plus maybe. I am happy that she would leave the family and has her own. At the other side, I worry about her happiness and her life after marriage; how she deals and lives with her mother-in-law and father-in-law, how his husband would treat her, how far the man know and understand about my sister, would my sister continue working at my uncle place, is it the right things to do if she decides not to work there, if she wants to work outside/ find a work, would she able to find one and more. I know I worry too much, but I guess it is because I care about her and she is my sister. I want the best for her.

I wish I could be with her for the preparation, but I am not and I could not due to my work and off days that I have. I hope she could get the best for herself, from the start to the end of the wedding and of course, a great and wonderful marriage life. I know and I believe she is in pressure and stress over the preparation and waiting period for her wedding.Some more, I maybe another burden for her. I always try to give advice and guide her that thinking she should know and do it as it is good, but I realize and my man said too that I am not helping her actually. I just added her burden by doing those things that she did not expect me to do. Guiding her, advising her, pointing her dont's and do's, never once, I could be a good sister for her. I found my self and my sister lost in the sisterhood. I wanna find it now for her and my self just because I don't want to regret about that in the future. It is too late, but I hope God, things and people around me would guide me and her to be great sisters ever. Even I don't really close to her like other sisters, but I love her.

HER WEDDING PREPARATION

Just like others ladies, wedding preparation is the most excitement and joyful moment in life. It is supposed to be the destination and moment that sisters share, mother and daughter shared value. In the midst of excitement to prepare all the wedding related stuffs; start from the pre-wedding photos, invitation, restaurant and all, there would be some down and crisis time. My sister and me do not share that moment and destination together, not even with my mom. I am not so sure who she shares with. I do not know who her good friends or sisters are, I do not know how good my cousin and my aunties all help her there. Not much I guess. That is what I could see. Not much.

WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW?

I know my sister is still in the mid of busy-ness to prepare her wedding related stuff. My aunt and one of my cousin are helping her, thanks to them, but I never felt my sister was really helped by them. Until now, there are things unsettled yet.

I am not so sure, but it seems that my sister's wedding not an excitement for all. Well, those are what I notice. I am not trying to be influence by others, let's check my point and stay neutral!

1.From the start they decided to get married. I did not how fast it was, my sister boy friend have booked a restaurant for his family's wedding dinner which caused my uncle and all felt, that was such a rush decision. They did not discuss it, but just booked. Actually my uncle is also the owner of other restaurant. I guess the decision of the groom to have it at other restaurant without any discussion and all, made my uncle a bit of pissed of. I guess it was because kinda like,"I have my own restaurant, why don't you make it there? but other places?". From that start on, they seemed not to really want to be involved in my sister preparation. Is it so? hmmm....

Personally I think, my sis and his boy friend has made such a rush decision. They didn't discuss about it with them. Some traditional man thinking is on they way; they want things to be discussed in family manners. Both parties have their own fault and my uncle my aunt should just tell them if they felt so and don't leave things like this. It makes things worst. I asked my sister too to always keep them involved, I know she tried best, but it seems things not really turn out just fine.

2. My sister said that my aunt and uncle seems not to like her boy friend very much. I did not know who he is, but accordingly to my sis, whenever he is coming, visiting my sister at their house, they never come out for their room/ even trying to be a good friend to him. I asked my sis date them many time for dinner with his boy friend, but my sis said they always refused with reason they were busy. If my self is my sister, I would damn sad that my family seem not to accept him or try to be friend with him. Approval is important. Hm...Maybe I know nothing that they knew about him or vice versa or they just plainly not really like him. I could not blame anyone, people's characters and personality is vary from one to one. It could be one reason.

3. For my sister wedding, she decided at first that she does not want to  have any party. The  groom's side parties with few tables for ride's family will just do fine for her. When she told my uncle, my uncle insisted to have small one for her at her restaurant, My aunt was around too. Then my sis asked him, "who would be paying? I don't have much money and I don't wish to use my dad's insurance money". Then my uncle replied her, asking her not to worry. My sis told me, the face expression of my aunt that time change 180 degree. Well, everyone should know what this means. 

4. It happened recently, my aunt and  my cousin came to Penang. I asked them few things related to my sister wedding and all. From all their opinions, suggestion and answer, all I could feel and notice is that all things my sister does seems to be not okay. The way they talk and respond is trying to find my sister's mistake. It tries to cornered my sister. They said my sister is stupid. She sometimes needs to buy things for his boy friend. Well, they are having "room management (paitu)" for their wedding. My aunt said nowadays, it supposed to be bought by man. My cousin came in and agreed with it. Some more, she added that she heard people said the man was stingy and 'talk big man'. I did not really respond to them and agreed with them at some point. What came to my mind was the way they talk about their own family. We are orphanage and they are the one who supposed to guide and teach us if we did things wrongly. Well, they were not. I can't imagine themselves talking bad about my sister or other people behind if I am not with them. I feel so irritated because of they way they talked. Luckily that I bought most of things for my sis, I spent a lot for her. I don't really mind at the end as it was for her and once in her life time. I knew they bought things for her too and some are the newly unused stuffs and they gave it for my sister.

My aunt always thought that man supposed to pay all for the things. We are women, should not be stupid, as long as you can, try to get things you want by having that guy pay to you. I don't think so. It is different is he is about to gift you something. I would choose what I like and he would pay for me, but hoping man would pay for you is not fully right things to do. There are times to share your financially together. For me, couples should have their own financial stable/ strong yet share the same financial equally in lives. 

 I told what I think to my mom's brother. He said he feel so sad and irritating to see how they think, act, behave and treat my sister.  I am not saying they are so bad in treating my sister or else. I just have my own thought and feeling towards how they act and behave. My boy friend always remind me to not let my self live under their shadow, most importantly hate them which only would lead me to the sin. My mom's bro said so. Both shared the same thought, they want me to pray, pray and pray for my sister, also to support her. Pray that God would bring my sister to the way knowing Him just like me. Sometimes, I try not to act differently towards them after these things happen, try not to be influenced. I want to act neutrally in God's and Christian's way. I am still human who sin. I hope God would be with me and my sister. Strengthen me and my sister and lead us to His way. Moreover, I always pray that God would bring my sister and her husband back to His way because my sister knew Him long ago before she became a Buddhist.

"God, strengthen her and bring her family back to You. Amen!"

Bad Day on 20 October 2011

Well, last night was another terrible and horrible day for me and my boy friend. I could not figure out the real reason, but one thing that drove him grazy I guess was all about the timing.

I was chatting to my sister before it all happened. I started first.

Me: Hey sis, what are you doing? Your pre-wed photos all are done? Do they ask you about it?

Sis: Nope, I haven't gone to take it yet. They didn't ask anything too.

(I felt so sad, nobody asked her about the photos. It really hurt me. Why nobody asked here? Maybe I was being to sensitive and high in expectation, but it is not the thing that should be. I expected that few of my family member and relatives would ask about it and be excited???)

Me: Ah, okay. Anyway, do they give you time off before your marriage?

Sis: Nope, they don't even ask.

Me: I will be back on 7 November, not 8 November. 

Sis: Why?

Me: They changed the time and Melvin went to complain them and I got new ticket on 7 November.

Sis: Ohhh...

Me: Sis, just be patience. It comes soon and you will leave them and their house. Oh ya, you told them that you would stop working with them?

Sis: But would anyone want to hire me if I am married? That what was I worry about. My salary was only RM 500 (after conversion) per month until 3pm. I plan to just get a side job and continued to work there. Last night I talked with the other restaurant captain and she told me not to stop. She would help me to ask other restaurant if they need cashier for night shift or not.

Me: Hm, well...how about being teacher in tuition center? I would ask my friend if there is any vacancy or not.How much was the average salary in Medan actually?

Sis: I don't know. I don't mind to work two shift. The one in the morning starts at 8.30am. It is okay for me.

Me: You have to told your husband about your plan, but didn't he say he would find a job for you? By the way, I would suggest you not to be pregnant at the first year. Wait until all things are stable. Haih, I really worry about your life after marriage. If anything happen, you have to let me know.

Sis: Ya, he is okay, he is not a bad man.

(I talked too much here, advising and suggesting her what she should do about her job's salary if she planned to get another job, advising and told her honestly what I feel about her husband and all. I should not talk much. I know, I am still trying to be her mother. I could not really describe the sadness I have in my heart. I suddenly burst into tears. I am so lost and sad deep inside. It is so suffering that I could do nothing much for her. How much I wish she would be happy in her waiting period for her wedding and all. I could feel that she is not happy, many things make her worry. I started to think about her salary given by my uncle to her - how can some one survive? Even my sister stay with him, eat in the restaurant, but himself or my auntie should know the economic nowadays and some more, prior to her wedding no time off or extra money given to her. I could feel how lonely she is prior her waiting period for her wedding - nobody ask her about the photos and all. I am the one asking about it, tryig to figure things out when she confuse. Even my auntie and cousin who are there, who help her with her stuff said that my sister seems not to care too much. I thought to my self that you guys should know who my sister is, she is more introvert, always waiting for the right time to say things out. She complaint to me that they made her look so bad in her position. My uncle and aunts from my mom's said that they would not be coming to wedding, but it is all for my sister. My sister, not to thank them how they treat my sister and all, but they come for my sister not them. All I could say is this is another saddest moment in my life. The suffering I feel inside as sister that I could not help her much. In the time when I start to learn to support her, it's her time to become another man's wife. I regret that I miss too much sisterhood with her. That is all. We miss many times and many things for sisterhood related stuff)

Sometimes, while I was thinking about all these things, I decided to talk to someone; my boy friend or my male good friend in Indonesian. Well, I decided to talk to my boy friend and yet, I was struggling whether to tell him now or not; is it the right time? Is he having his nap or dinner? and finally, I decided to text him as the closest person I am with and the most trusted person and neutral that I could find because I know him, if it is wrong then it is wrong and if it is true then it is true. I texted him: " I feel so sad ."

In a click, he phone me and myself bursting in tears. I hardly speak and I only felt that I wanna cry and cry. What I expected from him not the thing that actually happened. In my thought, I thought he would just keep himself quite and let me cry until I stop, but not...He raised his voice up and asking me what happened. He said I was scaring him. I could not hardly talk and that was why I try to stop crying and talk...and at the moment, I believed that I have told him one thing at the right time. Since that on, he raised his voice and started to ask me why why why and what happened. I shut my self down and I did not want to have argument. I just said it was about my sister. I felt so sad for her. He asked why, he wanted me to give him a proof and evidence that my sister was not really happy, he did not want me to assume and always assume. He wanted reasons and evidence. He kept guessing that whether my sister did not want to marry anymore or what. At that moment, I just wanted to hang the phone and not to argue. I know yesterday has been a hectic and busy day for you. I blamed my self for telling you at the wrong time. All I want is just to let some one know. I could have chosen my male good friend to talk about, but I did not, because your comfort and shoulder are all I want. It was all because my ability of communication, I shut my self down to talk and found me that I was contradicting with what I said before (you found me so, because I haven't not tell you what my thoughts and feelings are).

My initial purpose was just to let you know and share how sad I was and I wanna you be there just for me; listen and quite and I would share to you after that, but instead I made you worried and got mad at me and finally you and me had a very bad day. I admitted that I haven't shared to you on my thoughts and feeling or my assumptions about my sister issue when you kept asking me. I felt last night things was more hurtful then the issue of my sister's. I was so sorry for that. I did not mean to make you made and worry, or even lost your patience. Finally, I decided to hang up the phone and did you know that if I blame my self that night I should not find you to told you? Did you know that? You even asked me to find psychiatrist and Ee Wei jie for continue healing on my mourn, sisterhood or what ever that is. Well, I will do that for us, I will. I maybe crazy or having a mental illness because what I have gone through, but I never expect I would made you mad last night. I never meant that. I knew that was the risk, but not last night. All I blamed was my self; I told you at the wrong time. 

After I hanged up the phone, you texted:

"I don't think I am good enough. I really have no patience on you. I am becoming worst and worst. I don't know how to guide you and myself.  I have too many burdens and I could not take it any longer. I think we need to see Ee Wei jie separately if we wanna be together for live, else I would be really lost".

That moment again woke up me, how much I did not understand you. Even we have been together for two years, but what all I realize was that I never once understanding you and always make you mad. I always repeat the same mistake, again and again. I begteveryone would feel sick about it too if same person keep doing and repeating some mistakes again and again. I told God, if you are mine then make it in Your way that you are mine. If not, make it in Your way too. I know I have been threatening our relationship, with my attitude and behaviors which usually start with a very simple and small problem. I never wanted too, but sometimes, it was unavoidable.

Then I replied you that I am so sorry. All what I know was the wrong timing. Then you replied me that I worry too much. I am not God but I wanna be God to let and make everyone happy. All I need to do actually is just to support my sister and that was all.

You told me that you are not who I could see. You have burdens that I may not know. You wish I could help you too. You tried many ways to release the burdens by doing sports and hobbies. You feel so bad and lost in guiding you and me. You hope to see things with improvement. You don't wish mistake could be repeatedly done.

I wish too sweetheart, but sometimes it is unavoidable. :(

Yesterday was the second saddest moment in life with you. I thought I start to do something okay and learning all the way, but again, I break your heart. I am trying hard and let work harder together to fix and work things out.

Xoxo