Say Hi to November!

Hello to November ! =)

Time flies and it is November now. Well, welcome November. I am going off for holiday soon, today! Yay!!! I will take off from Kuala Lumpur to Taiwan tomorrow morning with my sweetheart and our good friends. We will go to Kuala Lumpur tonight by bus. I am done with what I should done; my work, BB related stuffs and Junior Camp things temporary. As soon as I come back from Taiwan on November 6, 2011, I would fly again to my hometown on November 7, 2011. Everything would resume and back to normal on November 14, 2011. Two weeks off, it would be great I guess. One more great thing is coming up too is my sister's wedding day. I hope things would turn out good for her especially. I don't care others. It's her and I wish she would enjoy it. I love you sister, love you and love you...

Little Things Mean a Lot

 ...Just you...

 .Free time makes me over thinking and breaks some people and things around me.

 .Be Strong Girl!. 

Few people have complimented me for being strong. Well, I am not strong, I am strengthen, strengthen by Him, people and things around me.

 Sister, go and get your happiness! Days would free you...

My sincere blessings and prayers will always be with you. I love you.

Real one would come soon and I will never let you go. Thanks for being ones.

Highlights of the Last Week of October

QUITE FREE is one two word to describe my week, but I have been quite having some stuffs to prepare for the Boys' Brigade (well, we are going to be a school based Christian uniform body soon, excited and a bit of nervous, I guess we are all in excitement. Thanks and praise the Lord that He opened the door for us and no one can shut the door. May God continues to use us to serve Him through this ministry. A lot of things to discuss about it anyway, I wish I could really work with them as a team; serving God through this). I am preparing some stuffs too for the Church Junior Camp which are almost done. I read quite a few of great articles this weeks and browse numbers of good blogs; fashion, diet, health, general reading, music, wedding, craft, sport and some news too. 

I am now only waiting for the next day for my holiday with my man and friends. Next day, we are heading to Kuala Lumpur and we will fly to Taiwan on October 28, 2011. Excited! :) I am quite pack with my own schedule actually. I will fly back to Medan for my sister's wedding on November 7, 2011 and will only be back on the 14. It is not done yet, Boys' Brigade and Junior Camp meeting are coming up, followed by our preparation for coming Christmas. What a fruitful year end I have! and right now, I am planning to have a good strategy in saving money for future and continuing my study by  next year if I could work things out in the way. Wish me luck readers! :)

Ah ya...I won't be attending the Youth Camp on December (an invitation by Pastor Hok Chiaw) due to my days off. They are not allowing myself to take unpaid leave and guess what, I finished up my leaves and I would only have a new one in April. :( Sad huh, hopefully next year would have enough days off for me. I have nothing much to say and think, except hoping my sister's wedding coming soon and let it free herself! :)

Times when we lost

There are always times in life that we lost. It did not mean you lose one relationship, but lost; lost track of the way or how it should be/ supposed to be.

I am not only losing track of what and how sisterhood is, but also, losing track in understanding what family really means. I doubt their truthfulness. Well, I am trying to be realistic and of course, trying not to be influence what my sister and my mom's siblings said. I know at first how they treat us. Well, I could not deny that my uncle and auntie are the family who are taking care me and my sister since we lost our parents in Tsunami 2004 have taken a great care over us. It is about 7 years for now, but I was with them for 5 years before I went for study and finally stay here at Penang. Honestly, I am thankful that I am not staying with them. I have my freedom and I never enjoy myself staying with them. Me, my self not enjoy much,I believe my sister too, esp when I know both are quite contradicting in personality and characters.

Short story, she was at Taiwan for her study and went back to Medan two years ago if not mistaken. Since then, my sister stay and work with my uncle; being a cashier at his restaurant. Until now, I believe my uncle and other family never look good on us. He maybe still think that we are still so young and may not understand many things. Yes, it's true, but I never see even once time that he and my aunt are wholeheartedly putting trust on me and my sister. One time, I thought maybe he does not care us or try not to interfere us since he knows we do not really like his way. Many kinds of thoughts are in my mind. I have no idea how they are actually. Until my sister is about to getting married, then I know how they treat my sis, not my uncle, his wife, but also my cousin or maybe others. I try not to know all about what they may think or say about me and sis. I know that my uncle never agree that my sister would help him at his restaurant by taking a thought that she was doing nothing for her better life, she does not have any working experience, only training and internship, she is now doing something which is unrelated to her field of study. Same thing happen to my self too that they still blame me at some point that I did not take the scholarship to study with my sister at Taiwan. Honestly, I did not force my self to take it even everyone asking me to do so just because it was free. Besides that, I did not find any field of study that interest me and I did not like Chinese and I ended up here, Penang. I study until Diploma on field that I like, even I am now working in unrelated field. One thing I just wanna do now is trying to get a Degree. I did not want to regret about that in the future. However, my financial was not being supportive now. For others information too, others people thought that I was studying before with my uncle money, well...nope, it was not...It was my dad's insurance money.

One thing I know for real in amongst my family, especially m dad's side is money speaks more most of time , career prospects speaks more, good objects speak more, one word, materialistic speak more most of the times. That is what I take in my life until now that I need to prove to them that myself could make my mom and dad proud of me and my sister. I know who my mum and dad were. They were not born in rich family. Both of them not educated like others. They were not earning money as much as others and I am quite sure that if my mum and dad were here today, they won't expect us to have much money, but at least, have a better life than them. The most important thing is that my sister would have a great days waiting for her big big day if they were here and if I could earning more good money, it would be better. If maybe my parents were here, they would be at least good towards us and at least, my mom was with my sister awaiting her big day there. That was what I want, my family is with me for my sister's big big day.

It is few weeks ahead for her big big day, but it seems to be a long time and long period of waiting. I feel sad, disappointed and wondering what I could do to fix the whole things as it seems not to be right. My sister wedding, honestly, for some people in my family are not a good things. They don't expect it come too fast I guess, especially with our status of being orphanage, marriage is not as easy as it is said and spelled.I bet my sister too, are not in excitement waiting for that. Perhaps, she hopes it comes soon as I do so.

SHE FOUND HER MR. RIGHT

I am happy that finally she found her Mr. Right in Medan; a religious man (that is what I know) that love and care her so much. I only met my sister's husband to be once during my cousin's wedding. I don't really know him and as my sister's sibling, I do not expect my sister to get marry just within one year period time of dating. It is so fast. I worry about her life after marriage and all considering how she is with her character and personality, especially about the man that she finally decided to marry with.  I have no idea how he is. I worry that he actually never understand how my sister is, especially being an orphanage because of unexpected disaster. I bet not many of people around me would know and understand how important the healing over mourn that we have. Well, my mom's sister and family are staying in the same hometown with my sister and accordingly to my aunt and her family, my sister's partner is a good man. My mom's brother said so. Well, I am a bit released, but still, I worry  about her life after the marriage and happiness. Would he love him for who she is and as the whole?

You know what, there was story saying my sister actually 'steal' my cousin's man. Of course, it made me and my mum's siblings hot. My own auntie from my dad side said so to my mom's brother and the truth was actually the man found interest  in my sister rather than in my cousin during their first meeting. Well, my cousin was the one who asked my sister to accompany her to meet the guy. It was said that she asked the man for meeting up. We thought that that was not my sister's fault, it was her fault, you asked her to accompany herself for this kind of dating. You should go by yourself. We don't really mind that for a long time, but I do believe, the effect of her failure actually influence the things which is happening now.

They are in dating soon after they click to each other. I don't know how they are dating, but as what I saw when I met them was that they are a loving couple, but I could not stand it, they are so pampered to each other and like a child, hm..maybe my way not their way, is that the reason? Well, maybe yes, maybe no. :)

I know my sister's life there is not as easy and happy as mine here. I stay alone most of the time, I got my own car and I have a good job (did not need see/ work for my family's member and live under their shadow), like her.Honestly, now, I start not to worry about what they say and think about me. Whether they like it or not, it is none of my business anymore. I will still and must pay respect to you all, but far more than than I could not guarantee that I could please you all with things I wanna do and decide. It is totally different with my sister, she can not do that. She is staying with them. My uncle pays the salary for her which I think it would be never enough actually. I believe after all, she is much more happier now with the man she found, isn't she?

SHE DECIDED TO GETTING MARRIED

It was such as fast decision. If not mistaken, they have not dating for even one year or if yes, one year plus maybe. I am happy that she would leave the family and has her own. At the other side, I worry about her happiness and her life after marriage; how she deals and lives with her mother-in-law and father-in-law, how his husband would treat her, how far the man know and understand about my sister, would my sister continue working at my uncle place, is it the right things to do if she decides not to work there, if she wants to work outside/ find a work, would she able to find one and more. I know I worry too much, but I guess it is because I care about her and she is my sister. I want the best for her.

I wish I could be with her for the preparation, but I am not and I could not due to my work and off days that I have. I hope she could get the best for herself, from the start to the end of the wedding and of course, a great and wonderful marriage life. I know and I believe she is in pressure and stress over the preparation and waiting period for her wedding.Some more, I maybe another burden for her. I always try to give advice and guide her that thinking she should know and do it as it is good, but I realize and my man said too that I am not helping her actually. I just added her burden by doing those things that she did not expect me to do. Guiding her, advising her, pointing her dont's and do's, never once, I could be a good sister for her. I found my self and my sister lost in the sisterhood. I wanna find it now for her and my self just because I don't want to regret about that in the future. It is too late, but I hope God, things and people around me would guide me and her to be great sisters ever. Even I don't really close to her like other sisters, but I love her.

HER WEDDING PREPARATION

Just like others ladies, wedding preparation is the most excitement and joyful moment in life. It is supposed to be the destination and moment that sisters share, mother and daughter shared value. In the midst of excitement to prepare all the wedding related stuffs; start from the pre-wedding photos, invitation, restaurant and all, there would be some down and crisis time. My sister and me do not share that moment and destination together, not even with my mom. I am not so sure who she shares with. I do not know who her good friends or sisters are, I do not know how good my cousin and my aunties all help her there. Not much I guess. That is what I could see. Not much.

WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW?

I know my sister is still in the mid of busy-ness to prepare her wedding related stuff. My aunt and one of my cousin are helping her, thanks to them, but I never felt my sister was really helped by them. Until now, there are things unsettled yet.

I am not so sure, but it seems that my sister's wedding not an excitement for all. Well, those are what I notice. I am not trying to be influence by others, let's check my point and stay neutral!

1.From the start they decided to get married. I did not how fast it was, my sister boy friend have booked a restaurant for his family's wedding dinner which caused my uncle and all felt, that was such a rush decision. They did not discuss it, but just booked. Actually my uncle is also the owner of other restaurant. I guess the decision of the groom to have it at other restaurant without any discussion and all, made my uncle a bit of pissed of. I guess it was because kinda like,"I have my own restaurant, why don't you make it there? but other places?". From that start on, they seemed not to really want to be involved in my sister preparation. Is it so? hmmm....

Personally I think, my sis and his boy friend has made such a rush decision. They didn't discuss about it with them. Some traditional man thinking is on they way; they want things to be discussed in family manners. Both parties have their own fault and my uncle my aunt should just tell them if they felt so and don't leave things like this. It makes things worst. I asked my sister too to always keep them involved, I know she tried best, but it seems things not really turn out just fine.

2. My sister said that my aunt and uncle seems not to like her boy friend very much. I did not know who he is, but accordingly to my sis, whenever he is coming, visiting my sister at their house, they never come out for their room/ even trying to be a good friend to him. I asked my sis date them many time for dinner with his boy friend, but my sis said they always refused with reason they were busy. If my self is my sister, I would damn sad that my family seem not to accept him or try to be friend with him. Approval is important. Hm...Maybe I know nothing that they knew about him or vice versa or they just plainly not really like him. I could not blame anyone, people's characters and personality is vary from one to one. It could be one reason.

3. For my sister wedding, she decided at first that she does not want to  have any party. The  groom's side parties with few tables for ride's family will just do fine for her. When she told my uncle, my uncle insisted to have small one for her at her restaurant, My aunt was around too. Then my sis asked him, "who would be paying? I don't have much money and I don't wish to use my dad's insurance money". Then my uncle replied her, asking her not to worry. My sis told me, the face expression of my aunt that time change 180 degree. Well, everyone should know what this means. 

4. It happened recently, my aunt and  my cousin came to Penang. I asked them few things related to my sister wedding and all. From all their opinions, suggestion and answer, all I could feel and notice is that all things my sister does seems to be not okay. The way they talk and respond is trying to find my sister's mistake. It tries to cornered my sister. They said my sister is stupid. She sometimes needs to buy things for his boy friend. Well, they are having "room management (paitu)" for their wedding. My aunt said nowadays, it supposed to be bought by man. My cousin came in and agreed with it. Some more, she added that she heard people said the man was stingy and 'talk big man'. I did not really respond to them and agreed with them at some point. What came to my mind was the way they talk about their own family. We are orphanage and they are the one who supposed to guide and teach us if we did things wrongly. Well, they were not. I can't imagine themselves talking bad about my sister or other people behind if I am not with them. I feel so irritated because of they way they talked. Luckily that I bought most of things for my sis, I spent a lot for her. I don't really mind at the end as it was for her and once in her life time. I knew they bought things for her too and some are the newly unused stuffs and they gave it for my sister.

My aunt always thought that man supposed to pay all for the things. We are women, should not be stupid, as long as you can, try to get things you want by having that guy pay to you. I don't think so. It is different is he is about to gift you something. I would choose what I like and he would pay for me, but hoping man would pay for you is not fully right things to do. There are times to share your financially together. For me, couples should have their own financial stable/ strong yet share the same financial equally in lives. 

 I told what I think to my mom's brother. He said he feel so sad and irritating to see how they think, act, behave and treat my sister.  I am not saying they are so bad in treating my sister or else. I just have my own thought and feeling towards how they act and behave. My boy friend always remind me to not let my self live under their shadow, most importantly hate them which only would lead me to the sin. My mom's bro said so. Both shared the same thought, they want me to pray, pray and pray for my sister, also to support her. Pray that God would bring my sister to the way knowing Him just like me. Sometimes, I try not to act differently towards them after these things happen, try not to be influenced. I want to act neutrally in God's and Christian's way. I am still human who sin. I hope God would be with me and my sister. Strengthen me and my sister and lead us to His way. Moreover, I always pray that God would bring my sister and her husband back to His way because my sister knew Him long ago before she became a Buddhist.

"God, strengthen her and bring her family back to You. Amen!"

Bad Day on 20 October 2011

Well, last night was another terrible and horrible day for me and my boy friend. I could not figure out the real reason, but one thing that drove him grazy I guess was all about the timing.

I was chatting to my sister before it all happened. I started first.

Me: Hey sis, what are you doing? Your pre-wed photos all are done? Do they ask you about it?

Sis: Nope, I haven't gone to take it yet. They didn't ask anything too.

(I felt so sad, nobody asked her about the photos. It really hurt me. Why nobody asked here? Maybe I was being to sensitive and high in expectation, but it is not the thing that should be. I expected that few of my family member and relatives would ask about it and be excited???)

Me: Ah, okay. Anyway, do they give you time off before your marriage?

Sis: Nope, they don't even ask.

Me: I will be back on 7 November, not 8 November. 

Sis: Why?

Me: They changed the time and Melvin went to complain them and I got new ticket on 7 November.

Sis: Ohhh...

Me: Sis, just be patience. It comes soon and you will leave them and their house. Oh ya, you told them that you would stop working with them?

Sis: But would anyone want to hire me if I am married? That what was I worry about. My salary was only RM 500 (after conversion) per month until 3pm. I plan to just get a side job and continued to work there. Last night I talked with the other restaurant captain and she told me not to stop. She would help me to ask other restaurant if they need cashier for night shift or not.

Me: Hm, well...how about being teacher in tuition center? I would ask my friend if there is any vacancy or not.How much was the average salary in Medan actually?

Sis: I don't know. I don't mind to work two shift. The one in the morning starts at 8.30am. It is okay for me.

Me: You have to told your husband about your plan, but didn't he say he would find a job for you? By the way, I would suggest you not to be pregnant at the first year. Wait until all things are stable. Haih, I really worry about your life after marriage. If anything happen, you have to let me know.

Sis: Ya, he is okay, he is not a bad man.

(I talked too much here, advising and suggesting her what she should do about her job's salary if she planned to get another job, advising and told her honestly what I feel about her husband and all. I should not talk much. I know, I am still trying to be her mother. I could not really describe the sadness I have in my heart. I suddenly burst into tears. I am so lost and sad deep inside. It is so suffering that I could do nothing much for her. How much I wish she would be happy in her waiting period for her wedding and all. I could feel that she is not happy, many things make her worry. I started to think about her salary given by my uncle to her - how can some one survive? Even my sister stay with him, eat in the restaurant, but himself or my auntie should know the economic nowadays and some more, prior to her wedding no time off or extra money given to her. I could feel how lonely she is prior her waiting period for her wedding - nobody ask her about the photos and all. I am the one asking about it, tryig to figure things out when she confuse. Even my auntie and cousin who are there, who help her with her stuff said that my sister seems not to care too much. I thought to my self that you guys should know who my sister is, she is more introvert, always waiting for the right time to say things out. She complaint to me that they made her look so bad in her position. My uncle and aunts from my mom's said that they would not be coming to wedding, but it is all for my sister. My sister, not to thank them how they treat my sister and all, but they come for my sister not them. All I could say is this is another saddest moment in my life. The suffering I feel inside as sister that I could not help her much. In the time when I start to learn to support her, it's her time to become another man's wife. I regret that I miss too much sisterhood with her. That is all. We miss many times and many things for sisterhood related stuff)

Sometimes, while I was thinking about all these things, I decided to talk to someone; my boy friend or my male good friend in Indonesian. Well, I decided to talk to my boy friend and yet, I was struggling whether to tell him now or not; is it the right time? Is he having his nap or dinner? and finally, I decided to text him as the closest person I am with and the most trusted person and neutral that I could find because I know him, if it is wrong then it is wrong and if it is true then it is true. I texted him: " I feel so sad ."

In a click, he phone me and myself bursting in tears. I hardly speak and I only felt that I wanna cry and cry. What I expected from him not the thing that actually happened. In my thought, I thought he would just keep himself quite and let me cry until I stop, but not...He raised his voice up and asking me what happened. He said I was scaring him. I could not hardly talk and that was why I try to stop crying and talk...and at the moment, I believed that I have told him one thing at the right time. Since that on, he raised his voice and started to ask me why why why and what happened. I shut my self down and I did not want to have argument. I just said it was about my sister. I felt so sad for her. He asked why, he wanted me to give him a proof and evidence that my sister was not really happy, he did not want me to assume and always assume. He wanted reasons and evidence. He kept guessing that whether my sister did not want to marry anymore or what. At that moment, I just wanted to hang the phone and not to argue. I know yesterday has been a hectic and busy day for you. I blamed my self for telling you at the wrong time. All I want is just to let some one know. I could have chosen my male good friend to talk about, but I did not, because your comfort and shoulder are all I want. It was all because my ability of communication, I shut my self down to talk and found me that I was contradicting with what I said before (you found me so, because I haven't not tell you what my thoughts and feelings are).

My initial purpose was just to let you know and share how sad I was and I wanna you be there just for me; listen and quite and I would share to you after that, but instead I made you worried and got mad at me and finally you and me had a very bad day. I admitted that I haven't shared to you on my thoughts and feeling or my assumptions about my sister issue when you kept asking me. I felt last night things was more hurtful then the issue of my sister's. I was so sorry for that. I did not mean to make you made and worry, or even lost your patience. Finally, I decided to hang up the phone and did you know that if I blame my self that night I should not find you to told you? Did you know that? You even asked me to find psychiatrist and Ee Wei jie for continue healing on my mourn, sisterhood or what ever that is. Well, I will do that for us, I will. I maybe crazy or having a mental illness because what I have gone through, but I never expect I would made you mad last night. I never meant that. I knew that was the risk, but not last night. All I blamed was my self; I told you at the wrong time. 

After I hanged up the phone, you texted:

"I don't think I am good enough. I really have no patience on you. I am becoming worst and worst. I don't know how to guide you and myself.  I have too many burdens and I could not take it any longer. I think we need to see Ee Wei jie separately if we wanna be together for live, else I would be really lost".

That moment again woke up me, how much I did not understand you. Even we have been together for two years, but what all I realize was that I never once understanding you and always make you mad. I always repeat the same mistake, again and again. I begteveryone would feel sick about it too if same person keep doing and repeating some mistakes again and again. I told God, if you are mine then make it in Your way that you are mine. If not, make it in Your way too. I know I have been threatening our relationship, with my attitude and behaviors which usually start with a very simple and small problem. I never wanted too, but sometimes, it was unavoidable.

Then I replied you that I am so sorry. All what I know was the wrong timing. Then you replied me that I worry too much. I am not God but I wanna be God to let and make everyone happy. All I need to do actually is just to support my sister and that was all.

You told me that you are not who I could see. You have burdens that I may not know. You wish I could help you too. You tried many ways to release the burdens by doing sports and hobbies. You feel so bad and lost in guiding you and me. You hope to see things with improvement. You don't wish mistake could be repeatedly done.

I wish too sweetheart, but sometimes it is unavoidable. :(

Yesterday was the second saddest moment in life with you. I thought I start to do something okay and learning all the way, but again, I break your heart. I am trying hard and let work harder together to fix and work things out.

Xoxo

I miss them

Well, today, early morning I woke up, I saw my sister's post, she said she miss my dad, my mum and my brother...Me too, I miss them so much...I wish they could be here for my sister's big day and for that, I believe, everything may turn out just fine if they were here!

I simply miss them and I realize, the best family's members I have ever have are still them! How much I wish I could do something for my sister, fix what is now, turn thing better from what is now, but I am nothing. I could do nothing...except pray for her and my self that God will heal us and let us learn to let go things! I shall believe, someday, we would be...

I am writing this while listening to Klove and these songs are just come to me....songs of my prayers!

I Shall Believe 

Matt Brouwer

from the album Unlearning

Come to me now
And lay Your hands over me
Will You find me tonight
Say it will be alright
And I will believe

Broken in two
And I know You're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

(Chorus)
That not everything is gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

Open the door
And show me Your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like You
And You hold the key

Never again will I turn away from You
I'm so heavy tonight
But Your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

That not everything is gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

I shall believe

 

Trust In Jesus

Third Day

from the album Move

One of these days we all will stand in judgment for
Every single word
That we have spoken
One of these days we all will stand before the Lord
Give a reason for
Everything we've done
And what I've done is

(Chorus)
Trust in Jesus
My great Deliverer
My strong Defender
The Son of God
I trust in Jesus
Blessed Redeemer
My Lord forever
The Holy One, the Holy One

What are you gonna do when your time has come
And your life is done
And there's nothing you can stand on
What will you have to say at the judgment throne
Well, I already know
The only thing that I can say I

Chorus

There's nothing I can do on my own to find forgiveness
It's by His grace alone
I trust in Jesus, trust in Jesus

Chorus X2

Amen... 

Oh...I am Free!

Hi to my blog, I miss you..Those days, I miss out too much things to write and the worst part, I did not take down of any of my thoughts and now, I regret that and occasionally, I plan to buy an Iphone for that; I can take pictures anywhere I want and share it lively and write whenever I could and I want well...It is just a thought because my Blackberry can do so and I just need to subscribe the plan which I think not worth because I can online eight hours a day at my office XD

Days on my weeks before were a busy days and finally, the third week of October, I am free...and next week is my holidays to Taiwan and my sister's wedding...Time flies, so fast, they are in front of me. I can't wait just to have a holidays, I want to relax my self and my mind.

I have been busy at my work for big big cases and I feel that they are boring, really boring, but what to do, they are my client indirectly and my job to do. For my spiritual life, well, I could feel something positive, even it is so small, but I could feel the power and energy. It is not hearing Himself speaking to me or calling me, but just His presence through things and people around me, good or bad, well...I believe that He is and He will give me the best.

 I feel such a positive feeling inside me in ministry, not on my BB and cell group ministry, but in the worship team. I love singing for Him, and I have committed my self to improve myself technically and spiritually. I could feel a little bit improvement, and I need to keep learning; technically and to be led by the Holy Spirit. I know it is never ending process and I, myself not so sure if it is only a feeling or my own encouragement for temporary or long term or it is the Holy Spirit. Of course, for my cell group ministry and BB, I just ask God to keep guiding me and giving me the patience, passion and desire to know Him more and more each day, then to be used by Him to serve and help His people. It is not easy way to walk too with those children. I realized one thing that I should be more flexible for them, play with them, not so strict or discipline, more and more patience and passion over them; despite how good or bad they are.

While for the other ministry, I think I am not ready yet for the approach from one of the elders at the church. I plan to involve, join and see their youth by next year and considering joining ministry for the English session in the morning. I am praying for it. Honestly, I plan this and that, I want to do this and that, but honestly only God would decide for me what to do. I will just follow the flow first and let God do the rest.

One more things, these few weeks, my mind was bothered by my sister and family issue and it is not a good things. I would write it in separated piece anyway. 

Lastly, I just wish her wedding come soon and of course, live happily ever after! :)

One of the Best and Inspiring Speech Ever

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Photo by Diana Walker, taken from here

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky - I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me - I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

Photo by Diana Walker, taken from here

 

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005

 

Taken from Diana Rikasari's blog.

 

 

Well, I could say more that his speech inpsired me. One of the best ever. I don't really know him and not really fancy in his creation; Apple, but his story was true as a human. I almost cry, especially it came to the part about death. It is all destination that we all share. That makes me realize, again that life is unpredictable and unexpected. Things can just come and go in a click. Thanks Jobs that you told us to live each day as if it was our last day. Live our life to the fullest. Follow our heart and make a change. Don't live under people's thoughts and sayings. Well, like you said Jobs Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. 

Happy reading people! :)

 

 

 

Steve Jobs, may you rest in peace!

 

 

True Heart of Christianity and Worshiper

I attended a seminar held by my church last night. It was a talk by Pastor Neil and his wife, well, I have no idea where they are come from, but the only I know about them is that they are active missionary which have visited numbers of countries around the world; Philippines, New Zealand and Australia.

I knew it when we had a worship training few weeks ago and I just feel that I wanna go. I need it since he would talk about worshiping God and I need to know more about that because I am in the team. I have also arrange my availability on  that day to attend  and finally found a friend, Amos to go with me. How much I wish my sweet heart could go, as well as others who are in worship team, but my man is busy to prepare his songs for this coming Saturday Sunday's worship practice and my other friends had a birthday celebration with another friend. Luckily I found a companion, if not, I really have to cancel my intention to go as I don't know where it is exactly and parking was another problem for me. I feel safe when I need to go somewhere unfamiliar with someone with me, hehehe...

Back to the talk/ seminar, I enjoyed the worship part before the preach and the talk. It was a simple worship with only piano. It was led by two worship leaders; two mommies. I enjoyed and I could feel how much I love just to sing for Him; praising, worshiping and declaring how great my God is. I submitted my life to His hand again at the moment and that was it. After all, I feel refresh with last night talk/ seminar. I know something about and on Him even more than before.

I know they would talk something on worship without any idea how would it be conducted. I thought it would be some discussion and technical part of worshiping. I was wrong at all. It was not technical at all, it is all about God. :)

His wife started with a sermon and she used the book of Samuel, the story of David. She used that story and told us what qualities we would need to be the mighty man of God, just like David.

(Honestly, I am not familiar with bible stories, I just know those story and not so sure about the details. Everytime, I feel guilty and wonder, why I did not read His words, why I seem to have no desire and passion on them. This has been my prayer that I could have passion and desire on that, but until this moment, I am doing well on it.)

We all know that David was the youngest son of Samuel and he was chosen by God amongst his brothers. God was with him and he was also the mighty man for his people. He killed Goliath, his people's enemy and he was then made to be king by God. 

Every Christian is chosen by Him. I become even more belief about that when I read a passage forwarded by my uncle that we are chosen by Him to be His people that He would use and work with us for a greater plan. How significant or not your and my role is in His ministry to serve Him and people, we are special, we are big and we are loved by Him.  He loves us unconditionally for who we are as a person.

Everyone can choose to be the mighty man and woman of God. It is our choice. Pastor Niel's wife told us that bible told us to put on and put off. Put off the old us and our old cloth and then put on the new cloth from Him on us. We should always protect our heart, guard our mouth, wear a helmet of salvation on our head  to protect our mind. Every Christian has to have a strong determination on his/ her position and should always have a keeper for each part of his/ her body, especially those who come from outside. We are told by bible that the one which goes in from outside wouldn't defile us or our selves, but the one comes out from inside may defile us. (Matthew 15:11)

Like David, we should always learn to surrender ourselves to Him, no matter in what we do. We should do it for the glory of God. Let's get the assurance that God is with us. Everyone should know that serving in God ministry is not about to impress others; how great our knowledge or how talented we are. Personally, I still do that sometimes. We tend to forget the core focus, and start to have the motivation or heart that want to impress people on what and how I could do well compared with others. I, myself, truly need to be able to build that long and intimate relationship with Him; a relationship where I could really take Him as focus of my life no matter where I am and what I do. 

She told us too that we should live on His words each day. We should believe on each words of Him and let's us realize that that is the vital needs and the bread for us. We should really ask and pray that He would give us the desire and passion to read and live His word in our life. She added that God would be so happy and it's His pleasure to give us that passion on Him.

(I would like to really take this seriously, praying that He would give that passion and desire to read His words daily in my life)

I am not really writing this well. I missed out some points for sure without notes, but these are all things that I could remember and would like to live it out. Oh ya, one more, she also said that the real beauty of someone was not determined by his or her physical appearance, but it is about living more and more like Him in life.

Well, this piece of writing may seem jumping here and there and messy. I just write what I remember. It is not the end yet. Now, let's go to see how is the true worshiper heart is.

Most of Christians would confuse and some would believe that serving in God's ministry should be one significant role. I think of this sometimes. I usually complain about that to my sweet heart and he would always said, "You should learn to do it gracefully, not expecting people's acceptance and approval/ compliments, even nobody notice or talk about it. No matter how big or how small that service/ thing is, do it for God. Focus on Him. If there would come one day when you are happy serving His people and His church without any hesitation, the feeling to get pay back and rewarded, the feeling to be recognized and approved by people, then you are mature in spirituality. That is the real meaning of growing up in Him; to be His people." I am trying to apply it, but sometimes I am okay with it, fail and I realize I need time.

I just want to remind my self and my sweet heart that, being a Christian should start with the heart; a new heart from Him. A heart that worships, praises and declares His mightiness. The journey starts with the heart of worshiper. That is the key word and once again, it reminds me and knock my head that, "Let's go back to the heart of worship!".

Pastor Neil said so. Being in worship team is not about how skillful you are, how talented you are or how great you are in leading people, but it's about the heart that we have; the heart of worshiper, true worshiper. 

True worshiper is someone that surrender all and summit themselves to be led by Holy Spirit. True worshiper has the sensitivity of spiritual needs of people when he/ she is worship leader. They know and ask Holy Spirit to direct them. Not blindly follow the agenda/ order of the day, they could sense the presence of God how it would bring and direct them to lead His people.

True worshiper is not all about the musical talent and background's some one has. It is not all the technicality, but it is far beyond those talent, skill and ability. The heart matters. The surrender of one's heart matters most to be led and used by the Holy Spirit.

All I could say was the talk was so simple and to the point. I am easily getting key word to remind my self how much we need to pray each day for the desire and passion to know more and more of Him with the servant heart from Him in all we do daily, wherever we are in what we do, whether we are walking, driving and working, even just sweeping a floor, cooking and thinking. We need to always set our focus right in Him; doing all daily and spiritual related things to the glory of God. Our heart matter the most.

To love is...

to love the Lord your God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my mind,

and

to love my neighbor as myself!