November is going to an end and soon, let's say hello December, everyone's favorite month, isn't it?...and I have been in Christmas's mood as soon as I know, December is coming soon!
Back to here, November has been a bitter sweet month for me. If you read my previous posts on what I wrote about my sister, her wedding and my families, this post would be still about it and hope it would be last piece of writing about them. Still, I am trying hard to be as logic as possible, neutral and not to be influenced.
Bitter sweet for me is just to describe how mix up my emotional were in these few months; the ups and downs, bad and good times, tears and laughter, all in one, all emotional that a person ever has. It is more likely to my sister wedding and some personal issue. My sister matters most. I would not write details of what I feel. I would never finish it, if yes, I need to be extra be careful in describing each event clearly and I don't really wish too. It is sins for me at the same time, but one things, I would remember every bit of it of what had been happened these few months.
I went back and stayed with my sister and my family for almost one week. It was sweet and bitter at the same time. I know big family was not really good, unless, your all relationships are really good, you know each other better and you know that everyone is being sincerely to you in every little things they do towards you, whether it is their words, action or thought, but rarely we would find one.
Once again, I am convinced that human is dangerous and you gotta to be careful in what you do or what you say. It is true that every human wear a mask and everyone has their own and guess what, some human may have some masks that are used for different person at different time, place and circumstances.
I hope my sister wedding would come the actual day very soon when I was in my hometown, waiting for the day to come. It was three round weddings; bride's reception, groom's reception and the wedding day. Tiring, but I could say we, or some people might have a good times and moments. Well, I did have.
All I knew that week were how much I hope the actual day will come and it meant freedom for her, another new journey would begin with her new family and how much I worried how well she would do in her marriage. I felt I loss her and I realized how much things I regret about our sisterhood, how much I wish my parents would be there to witness and to celebrate the special day together with all of us. How much I wish the journey and moment of herself preparing all things would be much lighter with some one really helped her (I wish I could do that), how much I wish she would be happy with her new life in days to come. I had mix up feelings and emotional, I was so happy to see her in the wedding dress. She was so pretty and looked happy, I wish she was really happy. She is the most beautiful bride I have ever seen. She was glowing that night. All the pre-wedding pictures turned out so great and beautiful. I said that not because she is my sister, but that was the fact and I really meant it. She was pretty, lovely and beautiful. My mom and dad would be so happy to see her on those days.
I was happy and sad on those days and week. These days were not a really good week in my hometown. I was up and down, happy and not happy at the same time. I heard lot of stories and things from my relatives about my sister; complaints, stories to know, my relatives' feeling and all. I was in the middle. I felt it was not only hard time for her but also for me. I was sure she had hard times living and working there. Neither do I, only a week and I felt damn hard. Imagine yourself as a sister of someone's, you heard, you listened and you saw how people reactions, responses, words, thoughts towards your sister and most of them were likely to be their complaints and dislikes. The worst things of all was not only to be the middle person where you heard people's said and acted differently, but it was the moment when you thought, "What I could have done for her to fix all these things, so that things and circumstances would be okay and maybe better for her and other!". That was what I felt. I felt I was useless and I could do nothing to save her from those people, to defend her.
My dad's families told me stories, my mom's families did the same too and my sister too for sure. Those three parties said different things and I was like, "Oh God! Help me out of here and what I should do?". However, I try to convince my self that every one had mistakes, they have their own thoughts and opinions. It is vary from one to another and I try to be as logic as possible, trying to be neutral and believe that God would help me out through people and prayer. I believe He would strengthen me. I had a real bad time anyway, really. All I know is I loss her, she gonna start a new life and all I hope is she would be happy and do well with her new life and family with all of us, especially me to support her.
My sister become who she is now for many reasons. I may be one of the causes, my parent's issue, my big big families of course. Those circumstances has led her to be some one that we all don't really know; how she is, who she is, why she acts the way she is and others. Just like me I guess. I pray for her that God would bring her self and her family back to Him and of course, strengthen us in the journey of life. That week has become a quite bad week for me, but I learned a lot things too.
I may be too harsh towards her before, I was not being supportive enough for her, I maybe over worried that was why I acted in certain ways, I may be forget that my ways and my suggestions would not work well for everyone in the effect I expected, our distance and time to be together was too short as well. I would not describing things in details. I love her and how much I wish she could be happy with her new life, our present family and new family well to the end of the time. I am far away from her, I couldn't watch her often but I would send my prayer and blessing from my heart always to her.
I just worry all these things would eventually affect my life and all. One thing for sure, I learnt that no matter where you are, anytime and anywhere, let things go is a must learn things for human being. It is not easy. Once you commit, you maybe able to let things go. Of course, never expected things would always go in your way and well, it would never happen perfectly and nicely. Also, never expect that what all you do would please everyone. No one would be able to do that. If you could do that, I am sure you are an expert in acting with your masks. It could not be denied, you and me have our own mask and our own ways to act. Life goes on even you like it or not, if we can't change the things now, let's learn to accept the things we can't change. Events in life is on-going learning process. Be sure that everyone would find a way out, even not now. Be good to your self and sometimes life just need you to do something that you don't like to do, it is about give and take. Another about being and having a big big family is a really bitter sweet things we have ever had in life. Believe it or not, you gotta to close one eyes and your ears at some moments in life. Your family is a swords in your life, as well as herbs and spices, they spices up your life, sweetly and bitterly.
