Times when we lost

There are always times in life that we lost. It did not mean you lose one relationship, but lost; lost track of the way or how it should be/ supposed to be.

I am not only losing track of what and how sisterhood is, but also, losing track in understanding what family really means. I doubt their truthfulness. Well, I am trying to be realistic and of course, trying not to be influence what my sister and my mom's siblings said. I know at first how they treat us. Well, I could not deny that my uncle and auntie are the family who are taking care me and my sister since we lost our parents in Tsunami 2004 have taken a great care over us. It is about 7 years for now, but I was with them for 5 years before I went for study and finally stay here at Penang. Honestly, I am thankful that I am not staying with them. I have my freedom and I never enjoy myself staying with them. Me, my self not enjoy much,I believe my sister too, esp when I know both are quite contradicting in personality and characters.

Short story, she was at Taiwan for her study and went back to Medan two years ago if not mistaken. Since then, my sister stay and work with my uncle; being a cashier at his restaurant. Until now, I believe my uncle and other family never look good on us. He maybe still think that we are still so young and may not understand many things. Yes, it's true, but I never see even once time that he and my aunt are wholeheartedly putting trust on me and my sister. One time, I thought maybe he does not care us or try not to interfere us since he knows we do not really like his way. Many kinds of thoughts are in my mind. I have no idea how they are actually. Until my sister is about to getting married, then I know how they treat my sis, not my uncle, his wife, but also my cousin or maybe others. I try not to know all about what they may think or say about me and sis. I know that my uncle never agree that my sister would help him at his restaurant by taking a thought that she was doing nothing for her better life, she does not have any working experience, only training and internship, she is now doing something which is unrelated to her field of study. Same thing happen to my self too that they still blame me at some point that I did not take the scholarship to study with my sister at Taiwan. Honestly, I did not force my self to take it even everyone asking me to do so just because it was free. Besides that, I did not find any field of study that interest me and I did not like Chinese and I ended up here, Penang. I study until Diploma on field that I like, even I am now working in unrelated field. One thing I just wanna do now is trying to get a Degree. I did not want to regret about that in the future. However, my financial was not being supportive now. For others information too, others people thought that I was studying before with my uncle money, well...nope, it was not...It was my dad's insurance money.

One thing I know for real in amongst my family, especially m dad's side is money speaks more most of time , career prospects speaks more, good objects speak more, one word, materialistic speak more most of the times. That is what I take in my life until now that I need to prove to them that myself could make my mom and dad proud of me and my sister. I know who my mum and dad were. They were not born in rich family. Both of them not educated like others. They were not earning money as much as others and I am quite sure that if my mum and dad were here today, they won't expect us to have much money, but at least, have a better life than them. The most important thing is that my sister would have a great days waiting for her big big day if they were here and if I could earning more good money, it would be better. If maybe my parents were here, they would be at least good towards us and at least, my mom was with my sister awaiting her big day there. That was what I want, my family is with me for my sister's big big day.

It is few weeks ahead for her big big day, but it seems to be a long time and long period of waiting. I feel sad, disappointed and wondering what I could do to fix the whole things as it seems not to be right. My sister wedding, honestly, for some people in my family are not a good things. They don't expect it come too fast I guess, especially with our status of being orphanage, marriage is not as easy as it is said and spelled.I bet my sister too, are not in excitement waiting for that. Perhaps, she hopes it comes soon as I do so.

SHE FOUND HER MR. RIGHT

I am happy that finally she found her Mr. Right in Medan; a religious man (that is what I know) that love and care her so much. I only met my sister's husband to be once during my cousin's wedding. I don't really know him and as my sister's sibling, I do not expect my sister to get marry just within one year period time of dating. It is so fast. I worry about her life after marriage and all considering how she is with her character and personality, especially about the man that she finally decided to marry with.  I have no idea how he is. I worry that he actually never understand how my sister is, especially being an orphanage because of unexpected disaster. I bet not many of people around me would know and understand how important the healing over mourn that we have. Well, my mom's sister and family are staying in the same hometown with my sister and accordingly to my aunt and her family, my sister's partner is a good man. My mom's brother said so. Well, I am a bit released, but still, I worry  about her life after the marriage and happiness. Would he love him for who she is and as the whole?

You know what, there was story saying my sister actually 'steal' my cousin's man. Of course, it made me and my mum's siblings hot. My own auntie from my dad side said so to my mom's brother and the truth was actually the man found interest  in my sister rather than in my cousin during their first meeting. Well, my cousin was the one who asked my sister to accompany her to meet the guy. It was said that she asked the man for meeting up. We thought that that was not my sister's fault, it was her fault, you asked her to accompany herself for this kind of dating. You should go by yourself. We don't really mind that for a long time, but I do believe, the effect of her failure actually influence the things which is happening now.

They are in dating soon after they click to each other. I don't know how they are dating, but as what I saw when I met them was that they are a loving couple, but I could not stand it, they are so pampered to each other and like a child, hm..maybe my way not their way, is that the reason? Well, maybe yes, maybe no. :)

I know my sister's life there is not as easy and happy as mine here. I stay alone most of the time, I got my own car and I have a good job (did not need see/ work for my family's member and live under their shadow), like her.Honestly, now, I start not to worry about what they say and think about me. Whether they like it or not, it is none of my business anymore. I will still and must pay respect to you all, but far more than than I could not guarantee that I could please you all with things I wanna do and decide. It is totally different with my sister, she can not do that. She is staying with them. My uncle pays the salary for her which I think it would be never enough actually. I believe after all, she is much more happier now with the man she found, isn't she?

SHE DECIDED TO GETTING MARRIED

It was such as fast decision. If not mistaken, they have not dating for even one year or if yes, one year plus maybe. I am happy that she would leave the family and has her own. At the other side, I worry about her happiness and her life after marriage; how she deals and lives with her mother-in-law and father-in-law, how his husband would treat her, how far the man know and understand about my sister, would my sister continue working at my uncle place, is it the right things to do if she decides not to work there, if she wants to work outside/ find a work, would she able to find one and more. I know I worry too much, but I guess it is because I care about her and she is my sister. I want the best for her.

I wish I could be with her for the preparation, but I am not and I could not due to my work and off days that I have. I hope she could get the best for herself, from the start to the end of the wedding and of course, a great and wonderful marriage life. I know and I believe she is in pressure and stress over the preparation and waiting period for her wedding.Some more, I maybe another burden for her. I always try to give advice and guide her that thinking she should know and do it as it is good, but I realize and my man said too that I am not helping her actually. I just added her burden by doing those things that she did not expect me to do. Guiding her, advising her, pointing her dont's and do's, never once, I could be a good sister for her. I found my self and my sister lost in the sisterhood. I wanna find it now for her and my self just because I don't want to regret about that in the future. It is too late, but I hope God, things and people around me would guide me and her to be great sisters ever. Even I don't really close to her like other sisters, but I love her.

HER WEDDING PREPARATION

Just like others ladies, wedding preparation is the most excitement and joyful moment in life. It is supposed to be the destination and moment that sisters share, mother and daughter shared value. In the midst of excitement to prepare all the wedding related stuffs; start from the pre-wedding photos, invitation, restaurant and all, there would be some down and crisis time. My sister and me do not share that moment and destination together, not even with my mom. I am not so sure who she shares with. I do not know who her good friends or sisters are, I do not know how good my cousin and my aunties all help her there. Not much I guess. That is what I could see. Not much.

WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW?

I know my sister is still in the mid of busy-ness to prepare her wedding related stuff. My aunt and one of my cousin are helping her, thanks to them, but I never felt my sister was really helped by them. Until now, there are things unsettled yet.

I am not so sure, but it seems that my sister's wedding not an excitement for all. Well, those are what I notice. I am not trying to be influence by others, let's check my point and stay neutral!

1.From the start they decided to get married. I did not how fast it was, my sister boy friend have booked a restaurant for his family's wedding dinner which caused my uncle and all felt, that was such a rush decision. They did not discuss it, but just booked. Actually my uncle is also the owner of other restaurant. I guess the decision of the groom to have it at other restaurant without any discussion and all, made my uncle a bit of pissed of. I guess it was because kinda like,"I have my own restaurant, why don't you make it there? but other places?". From that start on, they seemed not to really want to be involved in my sister preparation. Is it so? hmmm....

Personally I think, my sis and his boy friend has made such a rush decision. They didn't discuss about it with them. Some traditional man thinking is on they way; they want things to be discussed in family manners. Both parties have their own fault and my uncle my aunt should just tell them if they felt so and don't leave things like this. It makes things worst. I asked my sister too to always keep them involved, I know she tried best, but it seems things not really turn out just fine.

2. My sister said that my aunt and uncle seems not to like her boy friend very much. I did not know who he is, but accordingly to my sis, whenever he is coming, visiting my sister at their house, they never come out for their room/ even trying to be a good friend to him. I asked my sis date them many time for dinner with his boy friend, but my sis said they always refused with reason they were busy. If my self is my sister, I would damn sad that my family seem not to accept him or try to be friend with him. Approval is important. Hm...Maybe I know nothing that they knew about him or vice versa or they just plainly not really like him. I could not blame anyone, people's characters and personality is vary from one to one. It could be one reason.

3. For my sister wedding, she decided at first that she does not want to  have any party. The  groom's side parties with few tables for ride's family will just do fine for her. When she told my uncle, my uncle insisted to have small one for her at her restaurant, My aunt was around too. Then my sis asked him, "who would be paying? I don't have much money and I don't wish to use my dad's insurance money". Then my uncle replied her, asking her not to worry. My sis told me, the face expression of my aunt that time change 180 degree. Well, everyone should know what this means. 

4. It happened recently, my aunt and  my cousin came to Penang. I asked them few things related to my sister wedding and all. From all their opinions, suggestion and answer, all I could feel and notice is that all things my sister does seems to be not okay. The way they talk and respond is trying to find my sister's mistake. It tries to cornered my sister. They said my sister is stupid. She sometimes needs to buy things for his boy friend. Well, they are having "room management (paitu)" for their wedding. My aunt said nowadays, it supposed to be bought by man. My cousin came in and agreed with it. Some more, she added that she heard people said the man was stingy and 'talk big man'. I did not really respond to them and agreed with them at some point. What came to my mind was the way they talk about their own family. We are orphanage and they are the one who supposed to guide and teach us if we did things wrongly. Well, they were not. I can't imagine themselves talking bad about my sister or other people behind if I am not with them. I feel so irritated because of they way they talked. Luckily that I bought most of things for my sis, I spent a lot for her. I don't really mind at the end as it was for her and once in her life time. I knew they bought things for her too and some are the newly unused stuffs and they gave it for my sister.

My aunt always thought that man supposed to pay all for the things. We are women, should not be stupid, as long as you can, try to get things you want by having that guy pay to you. I don't think so. It is different is he is about to gift you something. I would choose what I like and he would pay for me, but hoping man would pay for you is not fully right things to do. There are times to share your financially together. For me, couples should have their own financial stable/ strong yet share the same financial equally in lives. 

 I told what I think to my mom's brother. He said he feel so sad and irritating to see how they think, act, behave and treat my sister.  I am not saying they are so bad in treating my sister or else. I just have my own thought and feeling towards how they act and behave. My boy friend always remind me to not let my self live under their shadow, most importantly hate them which only would lead me to the sin. My mom's bro said so. Both shared the same thought, they want me to pray, pray and pray for my sister, also to support her. Pray that God would bring my sister to the way knowing Him just like me. Sometimes, I try not to act differently towards them after these things happen, try not to be influenced. I want to act neutrally in God's and Christian's way. I am still human who sin. I hope God would be with me and my sister. Strengthen me and my sister and lead us to His way. Moreover, I always pray that God would bring my sister and her husband back to His way because my sister knew Him long ago before she became a Buddhist.

"God, strengthen her and bring her family back to You. Amen!"