Well, last night was another terrible and horrible day for me and my boy friend. I could not figure out the real reason, but one thing that drove him grazy I guess was all about the timing.
I was chatting to my sister before it all happened. I started first.
Me: Hey sis, what are you doing? Your pre-wed photos all are done? Do they ask you about it?
Sis: Nope, I haven't gone to take it yet. They didn't ask anything too.
(I felt so sad, nobody asked her about the photos. It really hurt me. Why nobody asked here? Maybe I was being to sensitive and high in expectation, but it is not the thing that should be. I expected that few of my family member and relatives would ask about it and be excited???)
Me: Ah, okay. Anyway, do they give you time off before your marriage?
Sis: Nope, they don't even ask.
Me: I will be back on 7 November, not 8 November.
Sis: Why?
Me: They changed the time and Melvin went to complain them and I got new ticket on 7 November.
Sis: Ohhh...
Me: Sis, just be patience. It comes soon and you will leave them and their house. Oh ya, you told them that you would stop working with them?
Sis: But would anyone want to hire me if I am married? That what was I worry about. My salary was only RM 500 (after conversion) per month until 3pm. I plan to just get a side job and continued to work there. Last night I talked with the other restaurant captain and she told me not to stop. She would help me to ask other restaurant if they need cashier for night shift or not.
Me: Hm, well...how about being teacher in tuition center? I would ask my friend if there is any vacancy or not.How much was the average salary in Medan actually?
Sis: I don't know. I don't mind to work two shift. The one in the morning starts at 8.30am. It is okay for me.
Me: You have to told your husband about your plan, but didn't he say he would find a job for you? By the way, I would suggest you not to be pregnant at the first year. Wait until all things are stable. Haih, I really worry about your life after marriage. If anything happen, you have to let me know.
Sis: Ya, he is okay, he is not a bad man.
(I talked too much here, advising and suggesting her what she should do about her job's salary if she planned to get another job, advising and told her honestly what I feel about her husband and all. I should not talk much. I know, I am still trying to be her mother. I could not really describe the sadness I have in my heart. I suddenly burst into tears. I am so lost and sad deep inside. It is so suffering that I could do nothing much for her. How much I wish she would be happy in her waiting period for her wedding and all. I could feel that she is not happy, many things make her worry. I started to think about her salary given by my uncle to her - how can some one survive? Even my sister stay with him, eat in the restaurant, but himself or my auntie should know the economic nowadays and some more, prior to her wedding no time off or extra money given to her. I could feel how lonely she is prior her waiting period for her wedding - nobody ask her about the photos and all. I am the one asking about it, tryig to figure things out when she confuse. Even my auntie and cousin who are there, who help her with her stuff said that my sister seems not to care too much. I thought to my self that you guys should know who my sister is, she is more introvert, always waiting for the right time to say things out. She complaint to me that they made her look so bad in her position. My uncle and aunts from my mom's said that they would not be coming to wedding, but it is all for my sister. My sister, not to thank them how they treat my sister and all, but they come for my sister not them. All I could say is this is another saddest moment in my life. The suffering I feel inside as sister that I could not help her much. In the time when I start to learn to support her, it's her time to become another man's wife. I regret that I miss too much sisterhood with her. That is all. We miss many times and many things for sisterhood related stuff)
Sometimes, while I was thinking about all these things, I decided to talk to someone; my boy friend or my male good friend in Indonesian. Well, I decided to talk to my boy friend and yet, I was struggling whether to tell him now or not; is it the right time? Is he having his nap or dinner? and finally, I decided to text him as the closest person I am with and the most trusted person and neutral that I could find because I know him, if it is wrong then it is wrong and if it is true then it is true. I texted him: " I feel so sad ."
In a click, he phone me and myself bursting in tears. I hardly speak and I only felt that I wanna cry and cry. What I expected from him not the thing that actually happened. In my thought, I thought he would just keep himself quite and let me cry until I stop, but not...He raised his voice up and asking me what happened. He said I was scaring him. I could not hardly talk and that was why I try to stop crying and talk...and at the moment, I believed that I have told him one thing at the right time. Since that on, he raised his voice and started to ask me why why why and what happened. I shut my self down and I did not want to have argument. I just said it was about my sister. I felt so sad for her. He asked why, he wanted me to give him a proof and evidence that my sister was not really happy, he did not want me to assume and always assume. He wanted reasons and evidence. He kept guessing that whether my sister did not want to marry anymore or what. At that moment, I just wanted to hang the phone and not to argue. I know yesterday has been a hectic and busy day for you. I blamed my self for telling you at the wrong time. All I want is just to let some one know. I could have chosen my male good friend to talk about, but I did not, because your comfort and shoulder are all I want. It was all because my ability of communication, I shut my self down to talk and found me that I was contradicting with what I said before (you found me so, because I haven't not tell you what my thoughts and feelings are).
My initial purpose was just to let you know and share how sad I was and I wanna you be there just for me; listen and quite and I would share to you after that, but instead I made you worried and got mad at me and finally you and me had a very bad day. I admitted that I haven't shared to you on my thoughts and feeling or my assumptions about my sister issue when you kept asking me. I felt last night things was more hurtful then the issue of my sister's. I was so sorry for that. I did not mean to make you made and worry, or even lost your patience. Finally, I decided to hang up the phone and did you know that if I blame my self that night I should not find you to told you? Did you know that? You even asked me to find psychiatrist and Ee Wei jie for continue healing on my mourn, sisterhood or what ever that is. Well, I will do that for us, I will. I maybe crazy or having a mental illness because what I have gone through, but I never expect I would made you mad last night. I never meant that. I knew that was the risk, but not last night. All I blamed was my self; I told you at the wrong time.
After I hanged up the phone, you texted:
"I don't think I am good enough. I really have no patience on you. I am becoming worst and worst. I don't know how to guide you and myself. I have too many burdens and I could not take it any longer. I think we need to see Ee Wei jie separately if we wanna be together for live, else I would be really lost".
That moment again woke up me, how much I did not understand you. Even we have been together for two years, but what all I realize was that I never once understanding you and always make you mad. I always repeat the same mistake, again and again. I begteveryone would feel sick about it too if same person keep doing and repeating some mistakes again and again. I told God, if you are mine then make it in Your way that you are mine. If not, make it in Your way too. I know I have been threatening our relationship, with my attitude and behaviors which usually start with a very simple and small problem. I never wanted too, but sometimes, it was unavoidable.
Then I replied you that I am so sorry. All what I know was the wrong timing. Then you replied me that I worry too much. I am not God but I wanna be God to let and make everyone happy. All I need to do actually is just to support my sister and that was all.
You told me that you are not who I could see. You have burdens that I may not know. You wish I could help you too. You tried many ways to release the burdens by doing sports and hobbies. You feel so bad and lost in guiding you and me. You hope to see things with improvement. You don't wish mistake could be repeatedly done.
I wish too sweetheart, but sometimes it is unavoidable. :(
Yesterday was the second saddest moment in life with you. I thought I start to do something okay and learning all the way, but again, I break your heart. I am trying hard and let work harder together to fix and work things out.
Xoxo
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